Gothic Elf
by eXiLe
Summary: The title should explain it all... LEGOLAS GOES GOTHIC!!!! AHAHAH!!! Chapter 12 is FINALLY up!!!!!!! Sorry for taking so long to update... PLEASE R&R!!!!
1. Where's Legolas?

**Hey people. I just wrote this out of boredom when I was in algebra today… I was alone… without ::sniff::…. Tiffany ::sniff::…. OMG! I was attacked by a nun sumo wrestler today. HER NAME IS SISTER KAREN!!! AHHH!! ::hehe:: PLEASE R&R!!**  
  
The title of the story should tell you what the story is about… hopefully… if you are smart enough to figure it out LoL… just kidding. Sorry if the story isn't 'accurate'.  
  
  
  
  
  
*~*Gothic Elf*~*  
  
Chapter 1  
  
  
  
The fellowship gathered for their 20 year reunion. They were cheering and laughing and drinking and just having a merry good time. They all had a lot to catch up on…  
  
Aragorn had become King of Gondor and married the Elven princess Arwen, making her his queen. He had also opened a Tiki Bar in the middle of Gondor… pissing everyone off.  
  
Merry and Pippin set off to become great hobbit warriors. They also starting breeding Ents. They made millions off the Ents and now lived in a huge mansion in the middle of Weathertop.  
  
Sam married Rosie and they had a daughter named Goldilocks. He had also become mayor of Hobbiton. Sam bought a pet pony named Bill…  
  
Frodo just turned old, he also went west with the elves. But came back for the party. He opened a resort in the middle of Mordor… doesn't get much business… bad location.  
  
Gandalf got older… and crazier. He now wears lipstick and nail polish but swears that he isn't gay. He opened up an eyebrow waxing shop… very popular with the hobbits.  
  
Gimli was just… Gimli… mmk?  
  
Boromir had returned from the dead for the party. He was nasty, green, smelly and rotten. He had been lying at the base of the waterfall for over 20 years. (The fellowship tried to avoid him as much as possible.)  
  
They were all carrying on having a jolly good time, when little Frodo noticed that Legolas was no where in sight.  
  
"Hey, where's Legolas? Why is he not here at the party?" He asked everyone.  
  
"I dunno…"  
  
"Beats me…"  
  
"Don't ask stupid questions hobbit…"  
  
"He doesn't love us anymore!"  
  
"Have any of you seen my left forearm?"  
  
All eyes turned and looked at the disgusting, decaying Boromir. He shrugged, "I was just wondering… it happened to fall off about an hour ago…"  
  
Everyone groaned and started looking for the arm. After about 10 minutes of searching. Aragorn cried out. "I got it! I got it! It's here in the chip dip!"  
  
Boromir thanked the king and took his arm. Everyone stared at the dip and later decided to throw it away.  
  
The party went on… and they all waited for their little Elven prince to return. While they waited they decided to entertain themselves.  
  
"Ok everybody! Who wants to watch all the home videos??!!" Gandalf cried happily, waving the tapes around in the air.  
  
"OHHH! ME! ME! ME!" They all screamed. Everyone scrambled towards the huge TV screen and squeezed together on the couch. Boromir grabbed the popcorn and shoved his hand into the bowl and ate a huge handful. He passed it around to the rest of the fellowship but everyone passed it up… seeing that Boromir's finger kinda fell off into the bowl.  
  
They watched a video from Frodo's house. It was of the little hobbit in diapers and sucking on a pacifier. He was crawling around his uncle Bilbo's house running into everything. They fellowship got a good laugh from watching the video, all but Frodo.  
  
After about an hour of watching the hilarious videos (A/N: hey, I'm thinking about making a story just on fellowship home videos… review and tell me if I should. ::hehe:: that would be fun!) they were starting to get bored. They were about to start playing charades until they heard a noise from outside in the hallway. Aragorn was the first to notice.  
  
At first it was the clinking of chains nearing the doors. Then it was the sound of muffled music. The fellowship gathered in the middle of the room and waited for the door to open. They huddled in fear when the door started creaking open.  
  
The fellowship screamed when they saw Legolas standing in front of them…  
  
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AHHHHH!!! What did he look like??? OH NO!!!! Do you want to know? Huh Huh Huh? Do ya? Do ya? Well review and I'll see if you really do or not. Hey, I already have the second chapter written out… all you gotta do is review… review…. REVIEW!!! 


	2. What happened to Legolas??!!

**OMG people! I didn't think that you would like my little story about Legolas being gothic. Thank you so much for reviewing! Please review more if you want another chapter added onto this one… :) PLEASE R&R!!!**  
  
  
  
  
  
Gothic Elf  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
  
…The fellowship screamed when they saw Legolas standing in the doorway…  
  
  
  
They stood there, staring at the elf before them, "That can't be Legolas," they whispered to each other. "What happened to him?"  
  
Slowly the elf started walking towards them, chains clinking.  
  
They stared in shock at the elf, on his feet were huge black clogs that had little fire marks going up the sides. On his legs were huge black baggy pants, there had to be at least 25 pockets on each leg and he wore two long chains attached to the legs of the pants.  
  
He had a black shirt on that said "I'm one fucked up elf…" on the front. And on the back it said, "…if you have a problem with that… you get an arrow through the head." (A/N: Kinda think the shirts that they have at Hot Topic… ::hehe:: I love that store!)  
  
He still wore his quiver, only now it was black with red vines traveling all around it. The arrows he now carried were red with black tips. His bow itself was pitch black with gold markings all over.  
  
Around his neck he wore 3 ball chain necklaces and 2 different kinds of spiked dog collars, which he had similar dog collars around his wrists to replace his wrist guards.  
  
His eyes, lips, and fingernails were painted black. His complexion seemed to get really pale, paler than the normal elf. Around his neck, he wore headphones with the music of Marilyn Manson blasting out. His once long, shiny, blond, beautiful hair was now a ragged pile of mess which had been dyed with red and black streaks.  
  
His pointed ears were full to capacity of piercings. He had a huge black bar going straight through one of his points and holes everywhere else. On his right ear, he had a small chain going straight through the point and weaving in and out of his ear all the way down to the bottom. (A/N: … I always wanted to do that…) He also had his eyebrow pierced twice, his nose pierced, and also his lower lip done also.  
  
Legolas slowly walked into the room, chains clinking as he walked.  
  
The fellowship stared at the elf in horror, never had they expected him to look like this.  
  
Frodo gasped, "What happened to you Legolas?"  
  
Legolas walked up to Frodo and knelt down to be at his eye level, he took a swig at his cigarette and blew the smoke into Frodo's face, making the hobbit cough. "Hm… Nothing." He said neutrally.  
  
"Well" said Aragorn, he coughed from the smoke cloud surrounding the elf, "let's get this party started again!"  
  
  
  
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Heeey… that's all for now… do you want another chapter to see how the party goes? Review and tell me. I think I might start those home videos… hm… maybe… yes! I am! Mmk? ::hehe:: That should be fun. PLEASE R&R!!!! 


	3. Changes to Legolas

**Thank you all for the reviews! I luv you all! To Elronds1fear, I know not all Goths look like that, but I just based him on a really hot goth I saw at the mall the day I wrote it. ::sighs with hearts in eyes:: Sorry… I have an obsession with Goths… ::hehe::  
  
Please read on…! PLEASE R&R TOO! No flames please…**  
  
  
  
Gothic Elf  
  
Chapter 3  
  
  
  
Legolas walked past the staring eyes of the fellowship and sat on the couch. The fellowship gave each other confused glances. Frodo shrugged and walked over to sit next to Legolas.  
  
Aragorn decided to bring out the French Onion Dip, which sent everyone into a frenzy. They all tried to scoop up the dip at the same time, when everyone cleared the table, they left dip spewed all over and a wheezing Pippin. Someone decided to strangle him in the war of the dip.  
  
Frodo sat and watched the dip-crazed people, before turning back to Legolas. He watched the once blond elf with interest. Legolas sat staring straight ahead, not even acknowledging Frodo's presence. Frodo coughed again when Legolas blew the smoke through his nose. Legolas looked over at the hobbit when he coughed.  
  
"You got a problem hobbit?" He demanded.  
  
Frodo gulped, never had he seen Legolas look so mean and cold. "N-n- no. Mister Legolas." He sputtered. But I was just wondering… what have the foul servants of the Dark done to you? (A/N: Thankz arynetrek! ) What sort of evil play did they do to you?"  
  
"My change had nothing to do with the Dark servants. Trust me Frodo. 'Twas all my idea." Legolas said smugly. He leaned back against the couch and stretched his long legs out in front of him.  
  
Frodo gazed at the chain going through Legolas' ear and also at the thick black bar going straight through his tip. "Didn't that hurt."  
  
Legolas looked at Frodo, "Only if you're alive."  
  
Frodo laughed uneasily as Legolas examined his hobbit ears. "Would you like one?"  
  
"Uh… no thank you. I'll think I'll survive without the metal in my ears." Frodo inched away from the psycho elf.  
  
"Ok, but don't forget that I offered. In case you come back later looking for it done." Legolas told him.  
  
"Hey! I have an idea! Instead of you putting holes in me, how about I braid your hair?!" Frodo suggested.  
  
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Can I paint your nails?!" Boromir asked excitedly.  
  
Legolas noticed for the first time that Boromir was actually at the party. He looked the man up and down, noticing the decomposing flesh falling from his body. "What the fuck is wrong with you man? Why are you like, not dead?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Uh…" Boromir thought about it for a couple of seconds. "Because… I didn't… feel, like… it?" It was stated more as a question rather than a statement.  
  
"Get the fuck away from me you sick piece of dead shit!" Legolas exclaimed.  
  
Tears formed in Boromir's eyes, his lower lip quivering, "What do you have against dead people?"  
  
"Oh… now that wasn't very nice Mr. Legolas. You made poor Boromir cry. Please apologize to Mr. Boromir." Aragorn said in a kindergarten-teacher- like voice. He wrapped his arms around Boromir to comfort him, but he pulled his hands back in disgust when a chunk of skin fell off. "…eww…"  
  
"But… he's disgusting! I mean… that's just plain nasty! Once you're dead you should stay dead! He's… rotting for God's sake! His skin is like… peeling off!" Legolas exclaimed once again.  
  
Boromir now burst into gasping sobs. "Why does no one like the dead guys??!!!" He cried so hard his eyeball fell out and rolled over to the floor. A random, crazy little devil named Memnoch ran through the room and picked up the eyeball. He ran out of the door laughing his head off.  
  
Everyone stared after the devil, "…mmk?"  
  
"But please let me do your nails…" Boromir pleaded.  
  
"And let me do your hair!" Frodo added.  
  
"Can I do your makeup?" Merry piped up.  
  
"Can I do something about your crazy clothes elf?" Aragorn asked sweetly.  
  
"Can I do you?" Gimli asked, little hearts shining in his eyes.  
  
"Oh my God!!!" Legolas screamed. "You've all gone mad! Get the fuck away from me!"  
  
He backed up into the wall away from the proceeding fellowship. "But Legolas, we just want to help you…"  
  
"By giving me a heart attack?" Legolas demanded.  
  
The fellowship huddled together and pondered his question for a couple of minutes, none of them really knowing what a heart attack was. After a couple of minutes, they turned to him, "No, Legolas, we do not want to give you a 'heart attack'. We are just going to make you pretty again."  
  
"I don't want to be pretty. Guys aren't supposed to be pretty. Hot, yes… but not pretty. When people hear pretty, they automatically relate it to girls. Please don't make me 'pretty'."  
  
The fellowship exchanged glances before pouncing on the elf. Legolas would have been able to get out of their clutches if it was only three or four of them, but all eight of them were able to hold him down.  
  
"Aragorn hand me the mascara."  
  
"Here you go."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Pippin! That's disgusting! That is not a big sucker!!"  
  
"Merry! Do not eat the lipstick!"  
  
"Boromir can you hand me the curling iron?"  
  
"Gandalf can you zap up one of those padded bras."  
  
"Fools! That is not a half-slip! Those are thigh-high nylons!!"  
  
"Does he need a garter thing to hold up the nylons."  
  
"… didn't bring one."  
  
"Sam can you hand me the nail polish?"  
  
"Wait until I'm finished removing the last coat."  
  
After about 2 hours of work, the fellowship finally stepped back to admire their work. They marveled at their creation….  
  
  
  
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ON NO!! I did it again! I made a damn cliffhanger! ::hangs head in shame:: I'm sorry. LoL! But you must review before I post another chapter… no reviews= no chapter 4 to find out what Legolas looks like. A LOT OF REVIEWS= a next chapter tomorrow so you can find out what he looks like… so it's all up to you. R&R!!!! 


	4. I Can Fly!!

**Sorry I haven't been updating in awhile. I keep getting loads of homework and I seem to be having biology tests left and right. Anyhoo… thank you all for reviewing!!! PLEASE R&R!!!**  
  
Warning: Mentions Legolas streaking!!  
  
Chapter 4  
  
  
  
Legolas squeezed his eyes shut. When he finally felt the groping hands leave his body, he opened his eyes. The fellowship stood around him looking proud.  
  
"Wow, I would say that it's the best thing we've ever done for an elf," Aragorn said.  
  
"Oh yes, I'd agree, what about you Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.  
  
Frodo nodded excitedly then looked back at Legolas.  
  
Legolas glared at them, "What did you do to me?"  
  
"Here, look for yourself," Boromir told him. He pulled out a full length mirror and placed it in front of Legolas.  
  
Legolas gazed into the mirror. But he didn't see a reflection of himself, instead there was only a sleeping face in the middle of the mirror.  
  
"Uh… what am I supposed to see" Legolas asked.  
  
"What a dumbass, you'd think he would be constantly looking into a mirror when he was his old pretty self." Pippin whispered to Merry. "He doesn't even know what a mirror is!"  
  
"I know what a fucking mirror is you ass! But there's a face, and that's it. No reflection." Legolas exclaimed. He shifted a little and moved around in the outfit he was wearing. The undergarments they put him in were extremely uncomfortable. (A/N: They put him in a thong… *ack*)  
  
"Oh… that's pretty." Said Frodo when he saw the face.  
  
"It's a mirror!"  
  
"…still…"  
  
Aragorn kicked the mirror and the sleeping face woke up. "What?" It demanded. Then it noticed Legolas. "Woah! That's the damndest, ugliest, most grotesque creature I've ever seen!"  
  
Aragorn kicked the mirror again and it turned into a regular mirror. Legolas screamed.  
  
"OH MY GOD! You turned me into a fucking fairy!" Legolas screamed.  
  
The crazed fellowship had turned him into a fairy, pixie thing. They had him in high-heeled pink shoes and with thigh-high nylons. He was wearing a frilly pink dress with white lace and puffs everywhere. The sleeves were poofy and lacey.  
  
He had on pink gloves and held a little pink wand with sparkles coming out the end. The fellowship had squeezed a padded bra on him to make his chest look big. They dyed his hair back to blonde and they placed all his hair on the top of his head in huge curls. He wore a small, glistening tiara.  
  
They made his eyes and lips pink instead of black, and they also repainted his fingernails pink. They took out all his earrings and replaced them with two simple pink studs. Instead of heavy chains around his neck, he now sported a simple pink bag of pixie dust on a gold chain.  
  
Legolas stared in shock at the 'new' him. He could feel the anger welling up inside him, he felt he was going to explode.  
  
"Now," Aragorn said in a sing-song voice, "this is a good look for you. You look just like you old self." He reached over and played with one of Legolas' golden curls.  
  
Legolas smacked his hand away with a quick flip of his hand. "Don't touch me," he growled through clenched teeth. He continued staring at the grotesque elf in front of him in the mirror. His breathing was rapidly getting faster and heavier. He was trembling from the anger inside of him, his eyes were blazing with fury. He quickly turned around and sent death glares towards the fellowship. "How dare you," he growled. "How dare you do this to me!" He roared even louder.  
  
Lord Elrond ran into the room from all the commotion. "What is going on in here? Woah!" He stopped in mid run when he saw Legolas. "What the hell happened to you, man?"  
  
Legolas ignored him, and looked back at the fellowship. "I'm not a fucking girl! I'm not pretty, I'm not filled with feminism! I'm not even remotely touched with feminism! I don't care what you thought about me in the past, it wasn't my fault that I looked like that! I was not a female!" He growled.  
  
He ripped the tiara off his head off his head and threw it at Gandalf, it bounced off his staff. He ripped the clothes from his body and ran out the door. The fellowship followed the screaming elf and watched him fall from the high-heal shoes. Legolas got up and continued running and rigging off random clothes, he was now half naked running towards the lake.  
  
When he finally reached the lake he jumped in and savagely began tearing at his eyes and hair, trying to get the makeup off and the curls out!  
  
"Oh! Not the hair!" Frodo cried. Tears streamed down his face when he saw his beautiful dye job and curls fall away.  
  
Legolas let out a defeated cry when he couldn't get the earrings out of his ears. He ripped off the little sack of pixie dust and flung it at the hobbit. The dust flew out of the bad and trickled down on the hobbits and Gimli. They slowly began to rise up into the air. "We can fly!" They cried happily.  
  
"They can fly?" The fellowship looked dumbfounded.  
  
"We can fly!" They cried again.  
  
Boromir started crying, "… I wanna fly."  
  
The hobbits and Gimli started singing. They changed the words from 'I Can Talk!" from Charlotte's Web, to their new 'I Can Fly!'  
  
They sailed off into the horizon singing…  
  
  
  
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No that's not the end. I still got more planned for Mr. Legolas… ::hehe:: Please review for more and tell me! The more reviews, the faster I write!! ** 


	5. Singing...

** Hey, thank you all for reviewing!! You're great I know I asked this in my other story, but does anyone know how to make italics appear in stories, and also make the writing smaller? If you do know, please email me… it will be much appreciated! Thank you!!! PLEASE R&R!!! I do not own anyone in this fic…  
  
  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Legolas laughed triumphantly. "YES!! They're finally gone!" He jumped out of the water, but then realized that he was naked and rushed back in.  
  
The rest of the fellowship gawked at the perfect naked Elven body.  
  
"Wow…" Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf were all immediately turned on by the NAKEDNESS of the elf.  
  
"Oh shit…" Legolas mumbled when he saw the little heart shaped pupils of the fellowship. He waded over to a large plant and plucked off a leaf to hide his 'friend'. He started running back to Rivendell again but he stopped when he heard singing from somewhere.  
  
"…it's a small world after all…" came the faint and distant singing.  
  
"What the hell?" Legolas muttered, he turned in circles, trying to find the source of the singing.  
  
"…it's a world of laughter, a world of tears. It's a world of hopes, it's a world of tears. There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware, it's a small world after…"  
  
Legolas grabbed his head, oh no… the song was stuck in his head. He failed to realize that when he put his hands on his head he dropped his leaf… yup. (A/N: nice visual)  
  
He screamed in fear when he saw the source of the singing…  
  
  
  
  
  
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HAHA!! That's where it ends folks!!! LoL~ nope I wouldn't do that to you… I posted chapter 6 too!!! ::hehe:: read on if you dare… I dunno… but it might be kinda scary… I would find it scary… LoL! Wow… that was a short chapter… 


	6. Crazy Little People

Chapter 6… BE AFRAID!!!  
  
  
  
The hobbits were parading down the pathway leading all the little mechanical people from the Disney World "It's a Small World" ride!  
  
Legolas screamed again when he saw the little people advance on him, he stumbled backwards and fell to the ground. "Get away from me!"  
  
"… AND SMILE MEANS FRIENDSHIP FOR EVERYONE…"  
  
"STOP! PLEASE!"  
  
He clutched his head again and curled up against a tree. The little hula people's skirts were whacking him in the face and hands. They all pressed around him singing.  
  
"NO! Leave me alone! Why can't anyone leave me alone during this reunion?!" He screamed to no in particular. He violently shoved away a Can-Can person and kicked a purple elephant away from him.  
  
He jumped up from his spot against the tree and bolted away from the crazy mechanical people.  
  
"…wow… they really traumatized him didn't they?" Frodo wondered.  
  
"… yeah… uh… did you guys notice that Legolas was naked?" Sam pointed out.  
  
The hobbits looked at each other, then at the little people.  
  
"Damn you!" They screamed and started beating the mechanical people.  
  
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Legolas kept running until he reached the 'Rivendell Luxury Suites'. It was an obviously luxurious 5 star hotel located right in the middle of Rivendell.  
  
He ran up the stairs and into his room , he didn't feel like waiting for the elevator. He was attracting too much attention as it was. He walked over to his suitcase and changed back to normal…  
  
…3 hours later…  
  
Legolas sighed a happy sigh, he walked out of his room happily. He was wearing his heavy boots, tight black pants, a weird shirt that looked ripped up. He did his typical black make up and nails, and even put his earrings back in and his chains and dog collars back on, he even re-dyed his hair to black with red streaks. He felt happy to be himself again.  
  
He wandered out of the hotel whistling the tune to "It's a Small World". He walked up the steps to Lord Elrond's palace. He heard muffled laughter coming from the room where the reunion was held at. He walked up to the door and threw it open, making a grand entrance.  
  
"How's my favorite fellowship?" Legolas said loudly, sarcasm dripping off of every word.  
  
The fellowship was disappointed to see Legolas clothed and back to his old self again. They wondered why he came back at all.  
  
"Why did you come back here?" Gandalf asked suspiciously.  
  
An evil smile played on Legolas' lips, he leaned in close to the fellowship, "Payback's gonna be a bitch… won't it?"  
  
  
  
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Yuppers… there ya go! Chapter 6. I do not own "It's a Small World". OMG! I would go crazy if I did own it though. I'm absolutely in love with that ride, it's the best!!! But the song is too addicting… LoL! Anyhoo… PLEASE R&R and no flames please… 


	7. Saruman's Visit

**Thank you all for reviewing! ::hugs everyone:: Please do so more. Sorry I'm so lousy in updating… **ugh** and I'm sorry if I might be slower over the weekend, I have 4 midterms next week and I gotta study. :) Study? What's that?... O.o**  
  
  
  
No flames please  
  
  
  
Chapter 7  
  
  
  
"Wh-Wh-What are you going to do to us?" Aragorn stumbled.  
  
  
  
Legolas arched his back and walked towards the fearful fellowship slowly. "Oh I'll get back are you… I promise. It may take time, but I will do it… don't worry!"  
  
  
  
"Oh poopy…" Boromir said.  
  
  
  
The fellowship screamed in place, then ran off in separate directions. But they weren't quick enough. Legolas shot their clothes with arrows faster than the eye could see, holding them in place on the wall.  
  
  
  
He laughed menacingly at them, "You foolish people! You think you can escape me? Muahah! I am the almighty Legolas! Now… what am I going to do with you?"  
  
  
  
He sat on the ground and pondered hard. After awhile, he thought of the best thing… or so he thought.  
  
  
  
He ran out and went to work.  
  
  
  
~3 hours later~  
  
  
  
Legolas put the finishing touch on his masterpiece and smile at his beautiful job. "Wow…" he sniffed, "you guys look like the real things."  
  
  
  
"What did you do to us elf?" Gimli demanded. Legolas had blindfolded everyone so they couldn't see eachother.  
  
  
  
"Well, lets just say that I made you look like your natural form, and the rest of you too." He smiled sweetly.  
  
  
  
Frightened whisperd passed through the fellowship. They stood together as a group and spoke together, "We would like to see," they said as they shifted uncomfortably in their new clothes.  
  
  
  
Legolas chuckled. "Alrighty then, you asked for it…" He led them over to a huge full length mirror in the middle of the bathroom. He quickly took off all the blindfolds, silence ached throughout the room.  
  
  
  
"Oh No!" They exclaimed. Legolas had turned them into hell…  
  
  
  
Gandalf burst out laughing, "Well Pippin looks like what he really is. And me too… I guess I really am smart! Geeze Pippin… you look so dopey!!!"  
  
  
  
Gimli growled at his reflection. "What's the big idea?"  
  
  
  
Frodo yawned, "I don't care, I just want to go to bed."  
  
  
  
Boromir sneezed and his nose fell off, "… damn."  
  
  
  
Merry danced around happily, "Happy happy joy joy!" He sang.  
  
  
  
Sam walked over to a corner and blushed, "I'm just gonna hide…" He whispered.  
  
  
  
They fellowship looked at Aragorn, who looked like he was about to start crying.  
  
  
  
"Aww… don't you look pretty." Boromir laughed.  
  
  
  
"Shut up!" Aragorn squeaked with a high pitched voice.  
  
  
  
The fellowship laughed until they heard a huge bang come from the hallway. Then the door burst open, and Saruman walked in.  
  
  
  
"Haha! Fools! You will now feel my wrath!!!" He bellowed.  
  
  
  
"Your wrath? Dude, that's nasty. Aren't they dead ghosty things? They also tried to kill me, I don't want to feel them! Sick person…" Frodo exclaimed.  
  
  
  
"Not wraith you fool!!! My wrath!" Saruman dramatically walked over to Frodo and slapped him soltly on his face. "My meanness!!" He growled and curved his fingers into claws.  
  
  
  
"Ok… you're a freak…" Frodo mumbled.  
  
  
  
"And you look like ET so shut the hell up." Saruman grumbled. He then noticed the crying Aragorn, "What the hell? Dude, are you a cross dresser?" He burst out laughing, making Aragorn cry harder. "Now, I will get my revenge for killing my wraithies! And also for stealing the ring."  
  
  
  
"Uh… no you won't. I haven't finished my revenge yet!" Legolas protested.  
  
  
  
It was then when Saruman noticed the Gothic Elf. "Legolas?" He asked. "What happened to you? You used to be so pretty."  
  
  
  
Legolas growled at being called pretty again and advanced on the wizard, ready to beat the shit out of him.  
  
  
  
"Uh oh…." Saruman said, then all of them disappeared in a cloud of smoke.  
  
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Hey, do you know what Legolas dressed them up as? Guess Guess Guess!!! ::hehe:: I think I gave enough hints, if you don't get it, I'll tell ya in the next chapter. PLEASE R&R!!!! 


	8. Stubborn heirs...

Hey! Congratulations to everyone who got the guessing thing correct… it was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs! The winners are…

Donna

Markers

Kelsey

YAY!!! Thank you all! Please continue to review, I love each and every one of you even more each time you review! :) It really means a lot… ::sniff:: and it keeps me writing more too. I'm actually on a roll now with updating, hopefully it will keep going. 

A/N: I really hope AlTeR eGo is a guy… cuz if not, that would be just wrong… ::shudders::… no girl calls ME baby! Muahahah… ewwie…

Chapter 8

The fellowship woke up from their pile on the floor. Saruman must have transported them right into the middle of Mordor, for everything was black, red and fiery. 

Pippin groaned, "Where are we?"

Boromir rolled off of 'Snow White' and stoop up, "Looks like hell," he said as he brushed himself off.

"How would you know?" Sam asked.

Boromir looked away feeling ashamed.

All of a sudden, a loud hacking sound could be heard coming from Frodo. He was bent over at the waist and appeared to be choking on somethine.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried as he rushed over to the other hobbit and skillfully began performing the Heimlich maneuver on his best friend.

"Ack! Ack! Ack!" Frodo coughed each time Sam squeezed him. Soon, he heaved one final time and gagged something up on the floor.

"My fingernail!" Boromir cried.

Frodo was breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath. Once he was over the initial shock of swallowing a fingernail, he broke down in tears, "Why me? Why is it always me?!"

"Oh shut up, all of you!" Legolas mumbled. "We're in Mordor, **not hell."**

"Well fine! Just ruin all our fun!" Merry exclaimed.

"NO!" cried a voice, "**I shall ruin all your fun!"**

The fellowship looked around, trying to find the source of the voice.

All of a sudden, a wisp of clouds poofed up right behind Gimli. Gimli yelped and ran away from the smoke. Saruman soon appeared from inside the clouds. He stood before the fellowship and spoke menacingly, "You are now in my new home, you will all bow down and obey me! Muahahah!"

"Um, no. I don't totally agree with that," spoke up Legolas, "I still haven't gotten my revenge yet. So I don't really appreciate you barging into my life and denying me the privilege of torturing these people by myself."

"Oh," Saruman said thoughtfully, "well then, I guess in that case… well, no, I still don't care… never mind!"

Legolas' smile faded away, "Fucking bastard," He muttered as he gave Saruman a dirty look.

Saruman returned the look before turning his gaze back on the fellowship and smiling brightly. "Now, you will each have to go through two hours of torture each day until I feel that you have paid for the pain that you put me through… which won't be for a long time."

Legolas grumbled and sat in the corner defiantly, "No, I still haven't gotten my revenge yet!"

Aragorn rolled his eyes, "Stubborn Prince." He muttered.

"Shut up Snow White!" Legolas shot back.

"You shut up, you pansy!" Aragorn retorted.

"Pansy?! Why you little piece of shit…!" Legolas rushed at Aragorn and the two of them began whacking at each other with their hands.

"Argh!" Saruman wailed. He shoved himself between the two fighting people and pushed them apart, "Enough!" Geeze… if you keep going at it like that, there won't be anything left for me to torture! Now… you!" He pointed at Aragorn, "Go sit in the corner over there, and you," he said pointing at Legolas, "You over there!"

Legolas and Aragorn glumly stalked over to their respective corners and sat down in them, still glaring at each other.

"Stand up and face the wall," Saruman bellowed. They obediently followed his commands, as the rest of the fellowship stood around and watched in amazement.

"Wooow…" Gandalf murmured. "So **that's how you do it? Tell me Saruman… did you ever have any kids?"**

Saruman looked at Gandalf blankly, "Now why would you say that?"

"Because you have a knack for dealing with stubborn heirs…" Gandalf muttered.

"Thank you," Saruman bowed. He then cleared his throat, "OK, now it's time for your torture! Muahaha!"

"NO! I refuse to be tortured until I get my revenge!" Legolas said stubbornly from the corner.

"Alright," Saruman said, "the Elf goes first."

*gasp*

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Hullo. Puhleaze review… I'll love you forever if you review J thanks! Sorry this chapter is so short, they'll get longer, I hope! ::hehe::


	9. The Rescue

**Hey people! I'm soooo sorry that I haven't updated in such a loooong time. But I have good reasons! Honest! Sorry TARA! Lol… yah, some sophomores at my school think I'm a "SATANIC Hitler-Loving Freak!!" Now isn't that just wrong??!!! Geeze… LoL, please R&R!!!!**

Chapter 9

Gimli and Legolas sat alone in a dark room. Neither of them knowing what to say to the other. This surely was torture for them. Saruman split the fellowship up into groups of two and one of three. This was his first part of his torturous plan.

Legolas yawned and looked away from Gimli. Just the thought of having to stare at the dwarfs ugly face was horrifying. To rid himself of boredom, he began humming.

Gimli, who was thrilled at the sound of Legolas humming, jumped up and began dancing like a maniac. 

Legolas stopped and gave Gimli a weird look, he slowly scooted away from the grinning dwarf.

Gimli noticed the uneasiness in Legolas and tried to act concerned. "Are you ok hunny?"

Legolas narrowed his eyes at Gimli and replied, "I'm fine."

The sound of a high pitched scream could be heard from the small torture room next to them. Gimli and Legolas both stared at the wall that the direction of the scream was coming from. "Who's in there?" Gimli wondered.

"Aragorn and Gandalf," Legolas said, he shook his head slowly. "Aragorn has always been afraid of Gandalf… poor chap."

"Are you afraid of me elf?" Gimli asked sweetly as he tenderly grabbed Legolas' hand.

Legolas pulled his hand away in disgust and ran to the wall opposite Gimli and wiped his hand off on the wall. "God! Don't you people know that I don't want you to touch me?!"

Gimli slowly began striding towards the frightened elf. "But I want to…" He trailed off. But he stopped when the sound of people yelling and loud blasts going off came from the hallway.

"Where is he?!" A voice screamed from outside the door.

"Legolas?! Where are you?!" A second voice yelled.

Legolas heard this and ran up to the door and pressed himself against it and pounded hard on it, "Help me! Save me from this torture!"

"Stand back!" The voice yelled from outside the door.

Legolas crouched down against the wall farthest away from the door and waited as the voices outside the door spoke rapidly.

Soon the sound of a loud click was heard and the door blew right off the hinges and into a thousand pieces. Shreds of wood and metal rained down on the elf and the dwarf. When all the debris and fire died down a little, Legolas could see the outline of two figures standing in the doorway. He squinted his eyes to try to get a better look at the figures.

Legolas had to refrain himself from groaning as he noticed that his two 'rescuers' were females. They both had huge black knee-high buckle up boots on. One was wearing black leather pants with a black tank top. Her hair was blonde and pulled back tight in a pony-tail. The stern expressionless look on her face made Legolas feel a little more than intimidated, her black sunglasses were hiding her eyes.

The other girl next to the blonde was a lot shorter with long auburn hair pulled back. She was wearing loose fitting black pants with a black tank top also. Her sunglasses were dark and also shielding her eyes. 

Legolas might have thought that they were psycho fangirls at first, but the sight of two huge machine guns in both of their hands frightened him a little bit, and the numerous amounts of weapons strapped to various parts of their bodies didn't help either.

He waited for them to scream and run towards him and hug him and kiss him. But he was shocked.

"Mr. Greenleaf?" The blonde asked. Legolas nodded in reply. "We have understood that you are in peril. We have come to escort you out to safety."

Legolas sighed in relief, "Thank God!!" He got up and walked over to the girls, who haven't moved an inch the entire time they were there. He noticed the pointy ears showing underneath their hair, and also the fox-like tails that flowed out behind them. "Hey… are you-?"

He was cut off by the auburn haired girl, "Dark elves sir."

Legolas gave the two girls a confused look. He waved a hand in front of their eyes, for the eyes didn't move the entire time they were in there. "Evil? Dark evil?"

"No," the blonde said suddenly from the side, she finally turned her head and glared at Legolas, "Just… dark."

"Riiiight." Legolas said. "Can we go now?"

"Not without me you aren't!" Gimli gruffly said from behind them all.

The auburn haired girl growled and lunged at the dwarf. She was roughly grabbed by the tail and pulled back by the blonde. "Stop Katana." The blonde said, she then cocked a gun and pulled the trigger. The bullet banged off the dwarfs helmet and knocked the dwarf out. She snickered to herself and turned back to Legolas, "Shall we go?"

"By and by!" Legolas said enthusiastically.

"Follow me." They said as they stealthily left the room and ran through the castle towards the exit, randomly shooting any orcs that got in their way. 

Once they reached the safety of the woods they stopped. Legolas was panting from all the running that they did.

"Aren't you an elf?" The auburn haired elf named Katana asked.

"Yes."

"Then why are you panting?"

"I'm tired." Legolas said, as he tried to catch his breath.

The blonde rolled her eyes and looked into the forest. "I wonder where they are…" 

"Who?" Legolas asked her.

"Our companions." Katana replied.

"Ok, so what are your names?" Legolas asked the two.

"I'm Katana… and that's Sori. She's a bitch." Katana said laughing.

::Tiffany Vance runs into the scene:: "SHE'S MY KINKY SEXY BITCH!" (A/N: har har)

Sori sent Katana a glare and corrected her, "Katana… it's THE bitch."

Katana stopped laughing, "Yah… I forgot about that little point."

Suddenly two male figures jumped out of the trees, they landed gracefully on the ground and stood up. They shined a light on Legolas to see who he was. "Who are you?" The one with short blonde hair demanded.

"Legolas." He replied, shielding his eyes from the blaring light. He noticed a reflection coming from Sori's ears and he gasped, "Oh shit! You have your ears pierced too! I've never known any other elf that had it done!"

"Yes, I do." Sori said as she ran her finger up her numerous amounts of piercings in her ears. 

"Yes we all do." The blonde male elf said. "I'm Ryan." He extended his hand to properly greet Legolas.

When Ryan talked, Legolas could see the faint glimmer of sliver on Ryan's tongue. "Even your tongue… wow." He laughed. "I love you guys already!" 

Legolas then turned to the other male elf that hadn't said anything throughout the time, he was shocked when he recognized the face…

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Oh MY!!! Who could it be?! If you haven't read any of my other stories, you won't know… but if you've read Leaders Never Die… you might have a little clue as to who this little person is! ::hehe:: LUV YA IF YOU R&R!!!! bye!!!**


	10. AHHHHH!!!

Hey everyone… I apologize for the serious lack of updates… it was basically cuzza finals, and also a camp that I went to, but that ended early… I wuz kinda kicked out ::cough::, and going places with my friends, getting tally marks, doing "stuff" ::hehe:: anyhoo… on to the story. And I would like to apologize for not mentioning this in my previous chapter, but the dark elves do not belong to me, they belong to my dear friend Katana ^_^ she made them up and I just borrowed them haha read on! PLEASE R&R!!!!! 

Chapter 10

Legolas could only stare in shock when he recognized the face of the male elf, "DURIAN?!" (A/N: my made up little brother of Legolas haha… read Leaders Never Die)

Durian smiled at Legolas, "Aye… good to see you again brother. Tell me, when did you go goth?"

Legolas looked down at his clothes then back up at his brother, "A while now… I prefer it more then the old Legolas. Now you tell me, what are you doing with this bunch of hoodlums?"

Furiously, Sori reached behind her back and pulled out a hand gun and pointed it directly between Legolas' eyes quicker than the eyes could pick up, "Hoodlums?!!!"

Legolas gulped and laughed nervously, "I-I-I mean… GREAT, WONDERFUL females!!" He glanced down nervously at the gun.

The furious expression did not leave Sori's face as she continued to point the gun at Legolas, finally Ryan reached up and slowly pulled her arm down so that the gun was no longer endangering the Prince's life. "That's enough Sor… remember those anger management classes?" (A/N: speaking of anger management… I feel this is the time to let all of you know that me and my friend have FLOOR seats to the Eminem concert on July 30th!!!!! YYYAAAAYY! Haha)

"Fuck those classes!" Sori spat. "They aren't worth shit." She reached behind her back and put the gun back in its holder, leaving a horrified expression still plastered on Legolas' face. When he saw that the gun was replaced, he slowly let out a breath that he hadn't noticed he was holding.

Katana playfully punched Legolas' shoulder, "You really weren't THAT scared now were you? C'mon, Sor ain't THAT ugly!"

Sori let out a fierce animal cry and lunged at the smaller Dark Elf but was instantly restrained by Durian, "I say we get those classes again… maybe she should attend the 10,000 year sessions instead of the 5,000 year session she DID go to." He said as he held the struggling female.

Legolas gaped at his younger brother, "10,000 year long anger management classes?! Damn… you guys are old!"

Katana smiled, "Hell yeah we are! We're the first of our race, picked up Durian here about 10 years ago when he started turning into one of us for some odd reason."

"You're one of them?" Legolas asked his brother.

"I guess so… one day when we were sitting at the table eating supper I started feeling strange and soon noticed a tail growing out of my ass." Durian laughed.

Legolas didn't laugh along with his brother but did continue staring at him intently, "Does father know of this?"

"Why would you really care what father thinks." Durian asked nervously.

"What does he think Durian?" Legolas pressed.

"He doesn't think anything… I was banished when he found out. Called me a freak. That still urks me though… he didn't banish you when you turned into a devil loving freak but did when I turned into a dark elf." Durian said sadly.

"Oh, I see…" Legolas trailed off. His head snapped around when he heard the sound of numerous amounts of twigs snapping behind them. "Oh shit…" He moaned when he noticed Gimli slowly strutting up to where they were standing. "RUN!!!" Legolas screamed.

The five of them bolted away from the crazed dwarf as Gimli kept repeating his love for Legolas and stroking a large branch. "Leggy poo! Come back to Gimli!"

Legolas turned to Sori as they ran and said, "You know there was a time when I actually thought that dwarf was normal!"

"Were you high or something?!!!" Sorie screamed.

"No… just an elf!"

"WOAH!!" They heard one of the guys scream from the front of the running pack. "I don't think this was in the job description."

When Legolas made his way up to the front of the group to see what was the matter, all he could say was. "Oh shit…"

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Hey, again I repeat that I'm sorry for the lack of updates and because of how short this chapter is!!! I'll try to do better later on! Bye!


	11. NO! GANDALF!

OMG!! I'm so terribly sorry for the complete lack of updates… I've just been really busy and shit and didn't really have much time to think about the stories, let alone write more… but it's Saturday afternoon and I'm pumped up to write another story… erm… or more to this one :-D hehe… and to all those who were wondering… I have the outline for a sequel to Leaders Never Die written, so all I have to do it write it all out! Wowzers… I feel proud of myself… anyhoo, read on! And again I apologize for not updating sooner…

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**_Gothic Elf_**

**_Chapter 11_**

The group froze and stood in horror at the sight in front of them. Never before had they witnessed something more grotesque, more frightening… more flat out disgusting and disturbing….

"Why there you are Leggo-poo… I've been searching everywhere for you," said the old man as he batted his eyelashes at the elf. 

"Oh my God…" Legolas groaned, as he tried to contain the food in his stomach from coming up in a repulsive heap. In front of them stood Gandalf, a very… revealing Gandalf. He stood there, with the flaps of his robe opened wide, exposing his old, wrinkly, and gray body in a dazzling white lingerie set. Complete with the male striptease thong and crop.  

Katana couldn't keep her disgust in and she threw up to the side of them, getting throw-up in her long hair. "Eww…." She moaned.

"Come to papa Greeny," Gandalf said seductively. "Or do you want to be a bad boy and make me spank you?" he said with a wink. 

Legolas wheeled around in his tracks and fled as fast as his legs could carry him, he was followed closely by Sori, Katana, and Durian. They were about a quarter of a mile away before they noticed their missing comrade. "Where's Ryan?" Legolas wondered, as they stopped to catch their breath.

Durian looked around and noticed far off, the poor dark elf being carted away by Gandalf. He heard Gandalf muttering how he was going to put Ryan's tongue ring to good use. Durian shuddered at the thought of how Gandalf was going to manage that, "I fear that we have lost Ryan to the evils of the insane Gandalf."

"You're not going to go back for him?!" Katana shrieked. "You can't do that to him, we shouldn't leave any of our kind behind!"

"Are you that naive Katana?!" Durian screamed. "Do you want to put your life in danger for someone you never liked?"

Katana stood with a thoughtful expression on her face, "Nah," she said, "I guess not."

Sori looked up at the sky through the trees, "It's getting late, I suggest we find someplace to rest for the night."

"Right," Durian agreed. "I know the perfect place around here." He began walking towards the northwest. The others filed into a line behind the dark-elf.

Legolas was the last in line, Sori was walking in front of him. His male crudeness couldn't stop him from staring at Sori's ass through her leather pants as she walked in front of him. He was staring so intently that he didn't notice the rest of the group stopping in front of him, he kept on walking and staring and didn't notice that they had stopped until he ran flat into Sori's back. 

Durian spoke up from the front, "Stop fucking around Legolas, we're going to rest here for the night. Unroll your packs and get comfortable, we aren't leaving until morning." He bent down and began gathering firewood, Katana joined him.

Sori coughed softly and turned around with an amused look on her face, "I really hope that's a gun in your pocket." 

Legolas swallowed hard and could feel his face turn beat red, "I don't own a gun… hehe." He giggled. "I-I-It w-was… a stick!" He broke a branch off the tree next to him and showed it to Sori. The stupid smile on his face wasn't believable. 

"Well… Mr. Legolas," she said with a quick glance downward towards his manly elf-hood, "watch where you're walking next time." She turned and started unrolling her bed.

"Did I mention that she's such a whore?" Katana whispered from behind Legolas.

Legolas got excited, "REALLY?!?! OMG… thank you God!... that's all I need right now to make myself feel better, tell me… how much does she charge?!" He demanded.

Katana raised her eyebrows, "She doesn't take money… only weapons. Why the hell do you think she has so many guns and knives? Ryan used to own an arsenal."

"So… her and Ryan?" Legolas wondered.

"Oh no… she hates his guts. She was probably the happiest one of us to see that he is gone now. She just looooooves his supply." Katana winked, and walked off.

Legolas sighed as Durian walked up to him. "Tell me, brother… how do you manage to travel with two beautiful dark-she-elves, and not do anything with them?"

"Well… Katana sucks _really bad and Sori is a bit too aggressive for my taste. I have nasty markings on me from that one." He laughed and walked away. _

"Fun times…" Legolas thought. He looked up and noticed the shimmering of the fire light reflecting off of something. 

"Yo, Sori… what is that?" Legolas wondered.

Sori looked up and squinted her eyes, "What the hell…? Looks like metal."

"Yeah… that's what I thought too." Legolas said. He threw more branches and logs into the fire to make it brighter, they now had a clear view of what was sitting up in the tree.

An ugly dwarf sat up in the tree with the light of the fire reflecting off his shining armor. Gimli cleared his throat and started singing, "Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are… look at me, I'm a shining star. I am no dwarf. I am the light of a pretty star… Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky… ohhhhhh, diamonds….."

Legolas groaned and covered his face with his hands. "I've been scarred for life…"

TBC… honestly I swear!!!

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hey, sorry if you thought this chapter sucked ass… but what can I say… I tried after not doing it for a long time lol… that sounds bad, but I don't care… PLEASE R&R to let me know that you all haven't forgotten about me… :-D bye!


	12. Marilyn Dwarf

Wow… I'm in a great writing mood… I've started a whole new story, the sequel to my other story 'Leaders Never Die'… gosh… now I just gotta finish this one!! Better get my balls a'movin!!! Wait… I don't have balls ::grumbles something about borrowing them from bf or something::… ANYHOO!!! On to the GOTHIC ELF!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: if anyone has personal suggestions or complaints, email me or IM me at mephistophelesLE thankz bye!!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Durian and Sori… hell, I don't even own Katana (don't want to, heh) j/k

**Gothic Elf**

**_~__Chapter 12~_**

Katana looked up into the sky and noticed the shining dwarf, "Let's kill it and eat it!!!" She screamed.

The dwarfs eyes grew twice their original size, "Oh… I guess I should be on my way then." He tried to make a quick exit, but his attempt failed when Katana jumped up in the tree and tackled him to the ground.

"Kat!" Sori screamed, "Don't touch it! You have no idea where it's been! It could have rabies or something."

"_It…" stressed the dwarf, "has a name. __Its name is Gimli the Happy Dwarf."_

"And _I, am Gimli the Sleepy Dwarf!" Another dwarf popped up from behind a bush and stood next to Gimli the Happy Dwarf._

"Oh my God…" Legolas moaned. "There's two of them." 

"Nope! Three!" Popped up another dwarf, "I am Gimli the Bashful Dwarf!" He walked up to Sori, grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it. "How are you, ma cherie?"

"Not too bashful, eh?" Sori commented to Legolas.

Legolas shrugged.

Finally, a last dwarf trudged out from behind a large rock, he was clad in black. Chains poured off him in various places, the tattoos seen underneath his black tank top were grotesque to look at. Legolas smiled, this was the dwarf for him.

Legolas walked up to this new dwarf and introduced himself, "Hey man, I'm Legolas."

The dwarf snorted, "And I ain't no fucking Gimli." He held out his hand for Legolas to take, "The name is Marilyn… Marilyn Ozz Manson."

"Oh I am so happy to meet you. I cannot believe that Middle-Earth actually held another goth like me," Legolas said hurriedly. He was so excited that he had actually found another person like himself. 

"Any of those bitches yours?" The dwarf asked crudely, nodding his head in the direction of Sori and Katana. 

Legolas turned around and studied the two dark-elves. He traced his eyes up and down the bodies of each and wanted to say that Sori was his, but he knew if he said that she belonged to him, she would probably beat the shit out of him right there on the spot. "No, neither of them are mine. Why do you ask?"

The dwarf spit on the ground and wiped his runny nose on the back of his hand, "Cuz I want one."

"Which one."

He pointed at Sori, "That one."

"Fuck you," Sori spat. "I don't belong to anyone. And that includes grubby dwarves like you."

Marilyn then turned his gaze towards Katana, "What about you cutie? You into dominatrix relationships?" 

"Oh yea, sure. I love them!" Katana said cheerfully with a fake smile on her face. "Sor, what does dominatrix mean?" She whispered. 

Sori grinned and whispered back, "It means that you have a nice, typical loving family where everything goes right and you have a white picket fenced in your yard and a dog with little kids running through sprinklers."

Legolas raised his eyebrows at Sori's comment and gave her a weird look, in which he got a wink in return.

"Ohhhhh," Katana said, "that sounds awesome. Sure, I would love to be in a dominatrix relationship with you."

Marilyn beamed, "Oh my lords!!! I have finally been blessed!! Come with me my darling, I'll show you my house where I keep my handcuffs… then later we can put them on me."

"But why would you want me to put handcuffs on you?" Katana asked, confused. 

Marilyn whispered something into her ear… Katana looked a little disgusted…

"What the fuck?!?!"

The crazed dwarf picked up the screaming dark-elf and ran away with her, closely followed by the other dwarves, leaving Legolas and Sori standing there alone, both staring in shock as they watched their companion being carried away.

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Hey, the end of Gothic Elf is coming really soon!!! OMG!!! It's going to be depressing to put an end to this story… it really is… I've been working on it for so long ::sniff:: *tear*… oh well… all good things must come to an end, unfortunately… PLEASE R&R!!!


	13. Rescuing Katana

Yea… it's been a frikin long time since I've updated… figured I might as well do it now. Oh, btw: The Cleveland Browns suck… just fyi… I was at the game today and wanted to shoot someone… 0-35… greeeeat…

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"What are we going to do?" Sori asked. "The creature just ran away with my partner!"

Legolas shrugged, "We _could_ go after him… I guess."

The two stood there contemplating the amount of effort it would take to rescue the child Dark Elf from the dwarf. "I guess there's nothing else better to do," Legolas finally said.

"Too true." Sori replied and began walking in the direction the dwarf had run off in.

The two walked through the woods in silence, the only noise coming from the two was the swishing of Sori's leather clothing and Legolas' chains clinking together. "This is cheerful." Sori commented. 

"Wanna fuck?" Legolas blurted out.

Sori stopped dead in her tracks and stared at the elf, "Excuse me?"

"C'mon. We're both 'warriors' on a mission. These things get stressful. Why not engage in the most effective form of stress management available to us? I mean, for once Katana is not around to bother us," Legolas offered with a cocky smile.

"Shit… you know you're gorgeous. No, Legolas. I'm not getting involved with someone like you," Sori replied.

"Someone like me?"

"Yea, you. You have dwarves following you and people swarming you everywhere. No way I need that public of a sexual partner. I prefer having a reclusive relationship," Sori told him.

"But the dwarf is getting action! Why can't I get it from a nice piece of ass like you?" Legolas complained, grabbing her butt.

Sori turned to him and slammed his body against a tree and pressed a knife to his throat in less than a second. "Hot piece of ass?! Is that all I fucking am to you?!"

Legolas grabbed her arm with the knife in it and pulled it away from his throat. He pushed Sori back, she tripped on a tree root and fell to the ground with Legolas on top of her.

"Oh this is fun," Legolas teased.

"HELP!!!" They heard a far off voice scream. They both recognized the voice as Katana's. 

The two simultaneously jumped up and ran towards the screaming elf. They encountered a sight incredibly gruesome to the eyes.

The dwarf was dancing around a fire trying to conjure up the 'sex gods' while Katana lay handcuffed to a tree.

"Legolas, kill the dwarf while I help Katana!" Sori screamed at him, rushing over to help her partner.

"Only if you will have sex with me," Legolas said.

"NOW!" Sori demanded. Legolas jumped and ran to the dwarf. 

"The sex gods have answered my call!! They have sent me the beautiful creature of the bed!" He yelled while staring at Legolas. 

"Um, no man… I'm Legolas. And I'm about to kill you," Legolas answered. He lunged at the dwarf with every intention of strangling the horrid creature. 

Marilyn the dwarf yelped and escaped Legolas' reach, he then turned and ran into the woods. 

Legolas watched as the dwarf ran away from him, he figured that it wasn't worth the effort to run after the dwarf, so he let him go. He returned to Sori's side by Katana.

"OMG! He tried to rub this oil into my skin! It was horrible! I wanted to cry! He said that he wanted to eat me! I didn't want to die so I told him that I tasted like fish… and for some reason he left me alone."

Sori and Legolas exchanged a glance and smiled. They loved naïve kids. 

Suddenly, a bright light flashed before them. In the midst of the light, they could make out a tall figure. It was Galadriel… she slowly extended her hand and placed it over Legolas' make-up covered eyes. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oh no… what IS going to happen to Legolas… I think the next chapter might be the last… ::gasps:: oh no…


End file.
